John and Tony are sat at a small round table in a pub with a pint of beer each. Tony is looking very comfortable and relaxed. John however, is looking fidgety and anxious.
JOHN: Thanks for agreeing to meet me at such short notice.
TONY: That’s okay. Is everything all right mate? You said you needed to talk to me about something.
JOHN: Yeah erm (pause) Look, this is really difficult. I don’t know how to start really. It’s a bit embarrassing. (Shifting uncomfortably on his seat)
TONY: Oh… right. (Looks around to ensure no one sees his male affection and starts to pat his friend on the back awkwardly.) Well, how long have we been mates? Y’know, whatever it is, you can tell me. Regardless of how embarrassed you get. I’ll do my best to –
JOHN: Not embarrassing for me! For you! It’s about your new girlfriend.
TONY: (Taken aback) What? Cara?
Now Tony is starting to look uncomfortable.
JOHN: Yes Cara. There’s something you need to know about her. You probably won’t like what I’m going to tell you but I want you to know, that as one of your best mates, I’m here. I’ve got your back. (He starts to pat Tony on the back)
TONY: What? What is it? You’ve seen her with another man or something?
JOHN: Erm, well, not exactly. (Pause) Look the other night after the quiz night I got in and started to flick through the channels. I got through the normal channels, then the shopping channels and eventually I accidentally ended up at those late night, phone in, adult channels. I don’t usually watch those channels and to be honest I find them too expensive, but sure enough on channel 177, Babe Lair, who should I see? It was Cara! She was on there! (John becomes animated as he explains the motions) Gyrating. With her baps out! She was on the phone to someone talking dirty and I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. I couldn’t watch. Well not for more than about 10 or so minutes. (Pause whilst Tony gives him a glare) Just to be sure it was her. (Pause) So that’s it. I thought you should know.
Whilst John looks on waiting for a reaction, there is in fact no reaction at all from Tony. He just sits back and takes a sip of his beer.
TONY: Oh right. Is that it?
John is bemused by this.
JOHN: Is that it? Is that it? Did anything I just said sink in? (Becoming animated) She parades herself! On late night telly! For dirty men to watch and phone up and talk dirty to! It’s disgusting! It’s degrading to women! Doesn’t that bother you? That she get’s it out for all to see?
TONY: (Completely unfazed whilst taking a sip of his beer) How do you think I got her number?