Sara sits on a sofa as the theme music of ‘Call the Midwife’ plays. Dave enters, in jogging bottoms, slippers and splattered in blood over his body and face.
Dave: Er, babe, I need to tell you, I just killed your Dad. Sorry bout that.
Sara takes a moment to take it in, then sighs.
Sara: Oh Dave! What did you go and have to do that for? I told you not to, not after Mum. This bloodlust of yours is getting bloody ridiculous.
Dave: I’m sorry, but you know what he’s like, he was getting on my tits. He kept doing that thing with his hair, so bloody irritating.
Sara: Was it a peaceful death? That’d be something.
Dave: Oh yeah, he didn’t scream or nothing. See, you didn’t hear anything did you?
Sara: I tell you, I’d have been right knarked if he’d been screaming over Call the Midwife. (she thinks) Never mind, that’s nice really, isn’t it? To go peacefully. He’d have liked that.
Dave: I’d stuffed a pillow in his mouth you see, so it was really peaceful, just the sound of the chainsaw.
Sara: (annoyed) You used the chainsaw? I thought we were going to take that back! B&Q are not going to be happy if it’s stained. Is it stained? Tell me it’s not stained. (Beat) Dave, you have taken it too far this time.
Dave: I don’t think we can take it back, let’s just say that. (Beat) And we might need a new carpet.
Sara: (exploding) New carpet? What have you done? Dave? A new carpet? For God’s sake! Were you out of your mind?
Dave: It wasn’t my fault, it was your Dad, bleeding everywhere he was. He was always a selfish git, even when I took his head off he just kept pumping it out, everywhere. I’m sorry. Will you ever forgive me?
Dave is now close to tears. Sara is cross but starts to soften.
Sara: I’m not sure I can, you’ve crossed a line here Dave. But oh, look at you, all sad. Okay, you’re forgiven, I’ll just get a rug and say no more about it.
Dave snuggles with her on the sofa, she kisses him. When she pulls away from him, some of the blood from his face is smeared on hers. A picture of domestic bliss.
Tom’s play Textual Relationship will be performed as part of Descent Shorts on the 5th April at Rich Mix. Get your £6 Early Bird tickets now! More info
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